THIS IS WHAT I DO

This is what I do. I fall in love with unavailable people.
I didn't know this -or at least I wasn't ready to accept it- until a few days ago when a friend of mine told me so in an intent to comfort me in the middle of the hard time I'm passing through right now.
You may be thinking “What a d**k!" "That's not the way to make a friend feel better!”.
But you know what? He was so fucking right. He is fucking right.
I won't deny it. At first, it felt like the“ice-bucket challenge”
Then, it all started to make sense to me.

This is what I do. I do fall in love with unavailable people.
I fear love. I fear hurt. I fear rejection. So I anticipate to them all.
But don't be mistaken. I never, ever, leave undefeated. I always, always leave in “pain”.
Why? Because I need to be hurt. I crave the “rejection” of a common breakup.
After all, I chose it that way since the very beginning when I put myself in such of an uneasy situation.
Twisted, right? Yes.
I guess this is my own personal mean to “avoid” putting myself in a silver plate for someone else to love me, to care about me and, unavoidable, to end hurting me without my permission.

This is what I do. I fall in love with unavailable people.
I hurt myself trying to prove that I'm worthy enough for that “significant other” to face a decision that he will never be willing to make.
I am used to compete where the battle is already lost.
And then, I just need to hear those words “It isn't you. It's me”.
Because in that case they aren't leaving because of “lack of love” but because they cannot resign to their priorities (family, children, career, wife, and so on).
I want to be a priority when there wasn't a place for me since the moment we met.
Thus the pain. Thus the desolation.
I get obsessed thinking, guessing.
“What the hell happened?” 
“What could I have done better?” 
“What could I have done for him to choose me?”
The answer was there all the time. Sadly I'm never able to see it right away.
I keep hiding it, avoiding it. But I'm always aware of same.
There wasn't anything for me to do.

This is what I do. I fall in love with unavailable people.
It's a vice. It's an addiction.
I need the rush disguised in pain.
I need the adrenaline disguised in disappointment.

This is what I do. I do fall in love with unavailable people.
Because today, this is my identity.
Because today, this is the only thing I know exactly how to do.


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