“Confusion is a word we have invented for an order which is not yet understood”

It has been a tough few weeks. I haven’t been able to commit myself to my recovery and that’s showing me consequences today. I’m not sure if I’m doing the “right” thing anymore. I wish I could thing clearly but to be honest, there are a lot of things running through my mind now and I have never felt as confused as now.

Even when panic and anxiety attacks have stopped -for now-, I still feel hopeless about my eating disorder. Even when I’ve been brave enough to stay clean from diet pills, I haven’t had the courage to stop the unhealthy behavior characteristic of my ED… and, sadly, I have been increasing that behavior since I’m passing through a lot of shit right now, personal and professional basis.

Sometimes I feel like if all the effort I’m putting into this task is completely worthless. And it kind of sound a bit selfish and shallow but, I’m wasting not only time and effort, but also money… money for a recovery that cannot be completed in the middle of all this shit… I cannot control my environment and that’s causing me, again, to experience attacks… glad that they are not that critical… yet.

And I’m way confused about my current situation… personal and professional one. I don’t know anymore if I want to stay as today or I want a complete change… which is scary… Even if I decided to take a break of my current life, I would be so damn scared about the upcoming future. And yes, I know I’m not supposed to think that much about a future I’m not living now, about a time that it isn’t my present, but it’s hard to stop imagining “what’s gonna happen with me”.

I wish I could have the balls to run from everything that’s hurting me right now and stay away from it. I wish I could be more determined… I wish I could have more courage to fight… I wish I could be a real fighter. But I’m not, and even when I’m doing my biggest effort, I don’t feel the sunlight on my skin and that’s is getting’ myself desperate… Desperate and uncomfortable about my own decisions… I feel I lost the path.

Why am I unable to stay a bit positive? Or as “Joaquin López Dóriga would say… JUAYYYYY?


Anonymous said…
Hi Barbs,

It´s me again - I wrote you some time before..when you first put here your confession, that you have ED..

Maybe I should introduce myself - I think I forgot that first time - I was just "Anonymous". :) My name is Irena..

I just wanna let you know, that I was really thinking about you..how is your battle going..and hoping, that some positiv change happend..

Barbs, I really understand you, I feel your pain through your words, your confussion, your doubts,.. because I´ve been there too.(Better say-I´ve been hell and back)
I know how you suffer..like you wrote(in other post) - you know you are sick, but you keep doing it..It´s very hard time and you have long way to go. But please, don´t give up!
How can such a beautifull person like you think about herself so many bad things? It´s just isn´t fair. You have big loving heart, so please, first of all..start loving the person which you see everyday in the mirror - YOU. Try to not thnik about anythnig else. Just concentrate to love yourself like you are.
Because it is a circle-when you hate yourself it is a negativ state, which brings to you other negative things into your life..so then everything falls appart.

You are too precious to be lost.

I hope I do not bother you with my writings..I just..I just can not leave it like that.
Hi Irena, I wanted to thank you your kind words the last time but I got lost in time cause of my job and then I lost sense of time and space and pending promises. I'm sorry. But I do want you to know I do appreciate everything that you told me the last time and of course, that you still care about me and my health.

How am I doing? I think that, in relation with my ED, I'm a bit better, still struggling (I think it will always be that way) but much better. I started therapy past January and I feel a bit calm. I also joined yoga and meditation classes. I quit the pills but I can't stop certain behaviour and it's becoming pretty frequent... I guess cause I'm passing through a rough time right now.

But as I quit pills, I feel a bit more objective, you know? Tryin' not to think about weight that much but sometimes, I just cannot help it. Right now I feel way much better cause just in 1 week I'll be travelling to Europe so I feel pretty excited about it and pretty anxious too, but I do believe is a good anxiousness.

THANK YOU once again, and tell me, how are you, how's your recovery going?

Anonymous said…
Dear Barbs,

thank you for your answer, I appreciate it :)

I´m happy to hear, that some change is happening.I´m proud of you, that you stop taking the pills.

It´s natural that it goes slowly-only then it´ll be everlasting. It will be maybe lot of "ups and downs"..but in the end it´ll be all the struggle worth it.

My recovery is finished. I´m "clean" for 7 years now.. Now I love food - my motto is- when people don´t enjoy the food, they can´t enjoy the life.. But it was also a slow process (and there was times I was realy desparate). But my body has learned again, what is good for it and it´s great.
(And no - I´m not fat, even when I enjoy the food so much :) )

But when I read your words, your articles - I found lot of thnings that was similar to my case..(my memories are still very vivid)..and that was the impulse why I wrote to you..
And I do understand your feelings also in your other struggles..
From my experience - no one can realy understand you untill he has been "in the same shoes". I hope you know what I mean.
I also hope you have someone, who supports you at any time, someone who does not judge you, who has the neverending patience and love for you. Someone you can say everything-even the darkest thnigs. And who will stand by your side no matter what.
When you don´t have(but I don´t think so)I wish you from all my heart that this kind of person will walk into your life..

Barbs, I send you lots of energy to help you go through your rough time..
And have a wonderfull time in Europe :) !! (by the way I´m from Europe too :) )

By for now.. :)
and.. Viva la vida !! :)


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