“Confusion is a word we have invented for an order which is not yet understood”
It has been a tough few weeks. I haven’t been able to commit myself to my recovery and that’s showing me consequences today. I’m not sure if I’m doing the “right” thing anymore. I wish I could thing clearly but to be honest, there are a lot of things running through my mind now and I have never felt as confused as now.
Even when panic and anxiety attacks have stopped -for now-, I still feel hopeless about my eating disorder. Even when I’ve been brave enough to stay clean from diet pills, I haven’t had the courage to stop the unhealthy behavior characteristic of my ED… and, sadly, I have been increasing that behavior since I’m passing through a lot of shit right now, personal and professional basis.
Sometimes I feel like if all the effort I’m putting into this task is completely worthless. And it kind of sound a bit selfish and shallow but, I’m wasting not only time and effort, but also money… money for a recovery that cannot be completed in the middle of all this shit… I cannot control my environment and that’s causing me, again, to experience attacks… glad that they are not that critical… yet.
And I’m way confused about my current situation… personal and professional one. I don’t know anymore if I want to stay as today or I want a complete change… which is scary… Even if I decided to take a break of my current life, I would be so damn scared about the upcoming future. And yes, I know I’m not supposed to think that much about a future I’m not living now, about a time that it isn’t my present, but it’s hard to stop imagining “what’s gonna happen with me”.
I wish I could have the balls to run from everything that’s hurting me right now and stay away from it. I wish I could be more determined… I wish I could have more courage to fight… I wish I could be a real fighter. But I’m not, and even when I’m doing my biggest effort, I don’t feel the sunlight on my skin and that’s is getting’ myself desperate… Desperate and uncomfortable about my own decisions… I feel I lost the path.
Why am I unable to stay a bit positive? Or as “Joaquin López Dóriga would say… JUAYYYYY?