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Site: LiveJournal

"I have a problem, Sir, with eating disorders. I have an eating disorder relapse"

I cannot be optimistic every single day. I just simply can't.

Today, a nightmare. My fears appeared again. Am I fat? Am I ugly? Am I worthy?

And the answer that my subconsciousness kept telling me was "Yes, you are fat" "Yes, you're ugly" "No, you aren't worthy".

And everything that I  have gained, fell down. My whole effort waited, directly to trash.

I can't stop thinking, today, that I look awful, fan, ugly. I can't stop believing that people stare at me as if I was some kind of monster. Maybe I am.

Why I cannot get better. Why I have to take one step forward and then two backwards. 

Why is so difficult for my brain to understand that everything that my subconsciousness states is a lie. 

I mean, I don't understand how is it possible to be aware you're sick but you still keep thinking in such unhealthy way.

The thing is that, when I commence a day like this, so down, with no self-stem at all, it's pretty probable for me to relapse and take a step into de darkness again.

And I cannot help asking myself, over and over again, is it gonna be this way forever?

I just wanna be beautiful.


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