UNBEAUTIFUL


Are there any rules to deal with getting 31?

If that’s the case, please let me know as soon as possible, because to be honest, I’m about to lose my sanity regarding this "issue".

Yes, I feel old, ugly and ... for some moments… pretty unproductive. I know I have achieved tons of things during this time, but trust me, this fucking birthday is one of those that make you feel your like is gone. When I was about to get 30 I was so fucking depressed because the "famous" 30s. Three decades, you know? And at the end, it resulted in such a beautiful age because I was able to finally make my dreams come true.

Thanks to the awesome 30s I found the most amazing friends on Earth (a little bit far away from me, but it doesn’t feel like that because I always carry them in my heart). I finally had the courage to travel outside Mexico, to leave my "comfort zone".
I met wonderful people, visited fabulous places and, of course, I had the most intense experience that everybody could ask for. I finally see my favorite band in the whole world performing live, not just in Mexico, but also in many places around the world. I finally met the love of my life -in a platonic meaning of the word-, one of the persons I do admire the most, the ubber sexy Placebo’s frontman, Mr. Brian Molko.

So yes, I was wrong when I thought the 30s were going to be a hell for me. The universe and the cosmic powers showed me the opposite. The 30s were the most incredible and unexpected ride I have ever had since I was born. Of course I did have some falls during that period of time, but the thing is that they weren’t that important -at least I don’t see them like that today… not anymore- what was really significant for me was the chance I had to breathe a whole new air, a refreshed one, the one I was asking for so long. I felt young and pretty again. I felt kind of… invincible.


But now… now everything seems to be so… uncertain. It seems I’m walking through a tunnel full of darkness… nothing but pure and absolute darkness… And yes, it’s scary… It scares me to hell. I feel I’m not going to be able to achieve greatest things that those ones I’ve already achieved. I feel the amazing experience, the incredible ride, is now over.


And I feel old… unbeautiful -physically and emotionally-... useless… confused… lost. I mean, two days ago I was determined to welcome my 31 nicely but, today I’m just so fucking afraid that I think I don’t want to open the door to those bastards anymore. My mind is overworking while it creates a thousand scenarios about how I could get the strength I need to enjoy the next ride in my life. My heartbeat has been so crazy that almost every day I feel I’m going to fall and die from a tachycardia. And then… the mirrors… God knows I hate the mirrors these last days… I’ve felt unbeautiful before, yes, but not as I feel today.

My vicious behaviors are taking me for a rough walk… one I don’t wish to anyone.
I feel I’m losing control over myself, my actions and my thoughts… my deepest beliefs.

And I pray… yes, I pray… every single night, for some kind of illumination… for being brave enough to deal with my health issues and don’t fall into the decay again. Am I going to be able to achieve that? I sincerely don’t know.

Today… today I feel defeated by fear, by anger, by resentment… Today I’m so tired of trying to do the "right" thing… to please everyone around me… to be coherent and mature.


Today, all I want is the chance to reach my bed, fall asleep and forgive -at least for a few hours- the pain is eating me from inside since so many years ago… the pain I couldn’t beat, the pain that suddenly became my neighbor, my friend and, it seems, my partner for life.


Bárbara

Comments

Anonymous said…
Don't be voluntarily blind, you are a beautiful woman, period.
... sometimes when I feel like that or the confusion gets over me, I just remember that this is just one of the so many lives I will need to live in order to get enlightened.. so at the end maybe I was a different person before, but to have the life I have now I should have done something great last time, I am sure you can say the same about yours... sometimes we dont realize how many things we have, and how many tasks are still in front of us, maybe because we are so focused on the "social beliefs" of finding the love of your life, or be a succesful girl, but at the end is only you, with this great opportunity to do something with this life of yours, and with all the talent God (or whoever) has given us today, we can really make a change, a change that helps us to be happy, to have a peaceful mind and a strong hearth ... Happy bday .. you are one of the lucky ones still alive!! =)
Anny said…
Hey, I'm Anny from all those Placebo communities!

I've read a quote; "In my mind, age is something that's found in your head"

And that's what I think. Even if you get older, you can always feel young on the inside. Forever Young!

Some people look like 25 when they're over 30, I'm sure you're one of them? ;)

xxx
A.U said…
amigui amigui
Auro said…
I know you wrote this like ages ago , I sincerely hope you are doing better now days. Truth is I know you might have heard this a million times but here I go one more time wont make any bad would it? jejeje Well the thing is that I am not claiming to feel exactly the way you did but I do understand a lot how that is. Ive been on some roads of destruction and sometimes that feeling just consumes me from inside I don't feel like I've done that much as I could do with my life and definitely don't feel beautiful and really fearful that I won't make it and going down through the chute once more =( its a fucking desperate feeling that never leaves you there's always this thoughts on your head and eventually you kind o stop having them but when everything gets quiet you realize they where there all the time. The point is that I sort of know the feeling but at the end of the day even if you feel like shit and you can't do it any more you have to force yourself to keep going and even if you feel its pointless and it hurts you will come to realize eventually how you reach new point where having accomplishments of your own and feeling better isn't as hard. And then may be, may be not you will fall again I don't promise anything but how would you enjoy so passionately those good moments you've had if you didn't appreciated them as special as you do . Because you know how it is to feel like shit and hard ties and when the good ones come you will appreciate them and feel the and experience them a lot more than others. =) I know its hard but on those times you have all the people that loves you to help in giving you some strength. Really when you feel like that again don't hesitate to look for me I'll be there for you. and just for the record u r fucking gorgeous and have a body many would wish for believe me! U r really fuckign sexy not just outside but inside as well.

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