Lunes 16 de Noviembre de 2009

What happens when you put all your hopes into the “wrong” someone -friend or foe-?

What happens when you really want to try, making a big effort and the other one doesn’t seem to care?

What happens when your self-esteem has been compromised in the middle of the ride?

A few months ago, right before getting’ my 30s, I was so into myself and my inner world, into my own pity depression and “non-worthy” life, that I felt -and I regret that- that I didn’t have anything more interesting or valuable to fight for. I’m not saying that I was thinking about suicide or something that drastic, I’m talking about to let the hope disappear… to let it die.

Despite that sentiment, I kept hanging on in the only thing that has never let me down -even when it sounds a little bit lame-, that is, my passion for the music, my passion for Placebo’s music.

Thanks to that passion I commenced a “surreal” life… a life that I was enjoying but, at the same time, was making me sad because I was plenty aware that it was like a “dream”. Suddenly I was surrounding by all these amazing people with, not only the same taste in music, but also the same taste in LIFE. Suddenly I felt that I belong to someone… to somewhere… to that world.

So, I worked on my fears and I could say I won some battles. It wasn’t easy, cause in the other hand, in the “real” life there were all these people making fun of me because my “stupid” passion -they used to say-, and as I am a little bit apprehensive and emotional, the all battle was bittersweet and uncertain... Some days I felt good but others I just felt that I was fighting for a lost cause. At the end, I decided to stay faithful to what I am and what I can offer, you know?

“This is me and this is what you’re gonna get”

So, the rewards commenced to appear and I felt completely -or almost completely- satisfied with the way I was driving myself. I started to make plans for a trip to Europe and as the most of you already know, it came true, my dream came true, my “surreal” life, my “dream world” came tangible, and yes, today I can say, very proudly, that all the results, all the satisfactions, all the consequences, are thanks that I kept stick to my beliefs, to my passion, to my instinct.

But, it’s necessary to reconcile that in such process, there were so much people passing by… Some of them are still here, with me, in heart and soul, and other, just passed by for a reason, a special reason that I still cannot understand, but I want to think that there was a “special” purpose in their way. Even when I recognize that and I kinda accept such designs, I have to say that it hurts, ‘cause when you create so much expectations about something or someone and, at the end, it doesn’t seem what you thought… Man! That’s really hard to fight with.

I’m not a “bubbly” person; I’m more like a “loner”. I learned to live like that because the lack of understanding about what I was passing through - and I say this without the intention of being an “emo” here-. It was, simply, that I couldn’t find the right path for a while and, somehow, I lost the hope in me… I abandoned the high expectations about life. But, as a part of this all “sudden change” and against my intuition, I decided to fight… I decided to stop the “loner” behavior. I decided to believe in second chances and, one day, there I was… I wasn’t lonely anymore; but it was a dream, a nice one at the beginning but, certainly, and unstable one… The fall was unavoidable… Maybe because of me, maybe not… Maybe be I was so scared that I never let myself to “really” enjoy the moment… But, even when this will sound like an excuse, if I feel threatened, I tend to hide myself into my shell and go backwards… So, in this case, if I feel that my very own personality is being criticized, mostly because my beliefs, my beloved passion and my devotion, I will fight, doesn’t matter against who, I will defend that passion over my death body, because at the end, I haven’t found another better one that could offer me the satisfactions that “their music, their lyrics, their way of thinking” have given to me.

So, I think I’m a little bit weird after all… I’m complicated and I live with that… Why couldn’t you? The essence is -and always will be- to fight for what you want, for what you’re interested in. If you don’t show enough interest, then you aren’t gonna be able to make me leave my “dream world” and run after you. If you aren’t able to make a valuable effort, why I should even try the same? Because of the past? Because of our inner fears? I can respect those, but what I certainly cannot respect is someone that doesn’t even want to try… someone that seems to see the experience more like a highly painful risk than a rewarding gain… someone that doesn’t trust in him/herself… It’s not that I’m perfect… of course not! I have tons of flaws; I’m working of them… every single day I have to fight with my deepest fears and my changeable behavior… but a few month ago I decided to fight and I keep stick to that choice… So, I guess if I feel that something/someone is putting in risk the few stability I’ve been able to get, I’m gonna take that far from me… and my question… my endless question is:

Do I have to feel bad about it?


*Specially dedicated to my beloved PFWW family. Thanks for being such an enormous part -virtual or not- of my life.


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