Viernes 20 de Noviembre de 2009

I feel quite desperate today… I don’t know how to react… what to do… I just feel the need of throw myself of a bridge and finish with this anxiety.

I haven’t found a damn piece of space for my own since I came back from Europe… I haven’t enjoy my loneliness as I’m suppose to… and I need it, I pray for it, I beg for it.

I feel the need to cry, to scream, to hit everything placed around me… and I can’t… I can’t even find a piece of peace at home. I can’t be myself; I can’t stop pretending, because I still have to show this mask of the shiny girl, the successful one, the “satisfied” one.

I cannot be here… I don’t want to… I came from a beautiful experience and I still cannot find tranquility.

And when I need to talk, when I need to speak out my mind… the all world seem to conspire against me… leaving me isolated… leaving me alone… as the loner I am.

I hear people and I just wanna run away… I want to smash things, to destroy the loved ones… to harm people… and myself, why not? There isn’t a reason for not do that.

Right now… listening to “Devil in the Details”, I hate my inner thoughts so much… I hate the way my very own personal devil is killing me, slowly, painfully… And I can’t avoid remembering the quote that, today, makes so many sense for me: “… I don’t see the point in trying”.

Why it has to be like this? Why so dark, so lonely? I cannot stop cryin’ … I cannot… and I don’t have the will for.

Looks like the devil’s here to stay…


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