So I Long, I Burn To Touch You Just The Same


Every single sense in me is heightened,
there's nothing else inside to rearrange

TODAY is a pretty hard day for me… Today is my father’s birthday and, as some of you already know, he isn’t with me anymore… Since I remember my father’s played this truly especial rol in my life… Since I remember he always has been the center of my universe, my solar system, my galaxy, my EVERYTHING.

I don’t even know if he remembers me as the perfect daughter (in case he actually can still remember something…) … Well, I’m sure I wasn’t one… I wish I could have the proper time to share with him… to just enjoy his smile, his laugh, his look when he used to call me his “Princess".


The sentiment, the pain, remains… as a cancer eating my soul, very slowly but very real… Is it guilt too? Is it just the common pain, a grief that, to be honest, seems to last forever, and well then I think, it’s ok Barbs, it’s pretty natural, he was your father, your blood you know? … but as I see the things now… the pain I’ve suffering for, the sorrow, the tears, the never-ending why, the struggle with God and Faith, everything, for so long, is just killing me… It can’t be natural, is just it can’t.


Sometimes I feel the need to talk to him… to tell him all those things that I used to label as cheesy, lame and pity… And then, there I am, talking to the air, to the cold, to the emptiness in mind, heart and soul… trying’ so hart to become normal again, to forget, to erase.


I miss him… so much… so much… I can’t even find enough words to describe the terrible cramp in my heart right now… to calm myself down in order to be strong for my mother… I feel lost without him because, as I’ve always said, I know I could be an amazing person…. But just being with him… for him… for my beloved Apo”.


The time will pass, but I know, I’m pretty sure, that the grief will never disappear… will never fade away… But neither the love, the memories… cause I still have, thanks God, little reminders of how we used to be together, as a family, as father and daughter, as this special couple: the "hero" and his "princess".

And every single year, since 2000, I use to listen to “Soulmates Never Die” because he is my little angel, right up there you know… my soulmate, my beautiful soulmate… but still my everything… he is my strength and my weakness… and he always gonna be with me … cause soulmates never die Placebo says.

And somehow… I don’t feel the pain I thought… I feel his absence, but still… I try to maintain myself down to Earth, cause he deserves to see me happy, plenty… He deserver anything but the best… He deserves to be proud of me… He deserves to be the father that he can’t be today…
And is only a matter of distance and time.

Comments

Nancy Molko Boy said…
woah this is a deep one, really girl I can clearly see the magical and unique bound that is between you and your father is very beautiful that through the years, this bound remains the same as those years ago...We know that wherever he is, he's really happy and proud of the unique and especial girl his daugther is :)
Honey!! Thank you for your words, I'm so happy I've been able to put into words the feelings inside me about my father! :) I hope he thinks I'm a good person, cause that could make me feel better you know? A big kiss! :*

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