Insomniac

So here I am... Thinking about the real value of this pseudo-relantionship again...

How much have I learned? I'd say nothing... How much effort have I put on it? I'd say all I've been able to... So, why I feel so incredibly unsatisfied about it? It's kinda simple... Because the relantionship isn't a proper and common one... Sometimes I feel like I was a teenie... But not in a good sense at all... I feel I'm living the hell I experienced when I was 16... Tryin' so hard for a guy to notice me... To show me the love he said he felt... Covering his actions or, being more accurate, his omissions, his lack of presence in my life even when he was my "boyfriend", from my parents in order for them to think he was the perfect match for me...

Silly huh? Of course it was! But I was. A teenie so, back in time it wasn't so bad, but now... Come on! I don't need this in my life! And the worst of everything is that it seems I'm tryin' to cover his omission from anyone but myself...

I feel rather tired about this all situation... It's getting me to the limit... My limit... And no matter what I always ended feeling bad about it... Kinda desperate and helpless... 'cause it seems he will never notice the worthy woman I am...

Bárbara

*Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Burning my shadows...

I faced my destroyer
I was ambushed by a lie
And you judged me once for falling
This wounded heart arise

Even when I know I care about you, I'm not sure anymore I want to stay in this both.sides.selfish.relationship...

I can't avoid the fact that, every day I live in this unreal.love.affair, I'm becoming unable to care about myself... no confidence at all... and I hate that feeling... I'm so damn scared of such sentiment... because, if I keep my steps in this path, I know that, soon or later, I'll end falling free, without any possible salvation.

Despite my expressed inner fears, I still feel unable to leave this painful.way.of.living... Maybe because I'm still unsure about it... Maybe 'cause I do love you -like I would never thought I could-... Maybe 'cause is just about you. But I do want to have a future... a happy and honest one... The one fated for me...

Is it too much to ask for?


Peace,

Goodbye 2009...

Since 2009 begun, I was unsure about what I could expect from this year. I started 2009 drowning myself into such an enormous depression, trying to forget certain bad actions, wrong choices, painful mistakes.

I recall that, early March, I decided to leave the reality I was living to immerse myself into this fucking amazing surreal world that Placebo seems to be offering me. And all became about Placebo without any doubt.

Placebo has been ruling my life since 1998, eleven years of fidelity, but wasn’t able to really enjoy my passion until a very special moment, a critic one… until I decided to finally fight for what I believe and mostly, for what I truly love from the bottom of my heart.

It was then when 2009 suddenly turned into this beautiful bunch of dreamy promises… I was finally enjoying the things I really loved, the ones I still love and, I’m pretty sure, the ones I’ll love for the rest of my life… I was finally enjoying myself.

To be honest, it doesn’t hurt me… leave the real world I mean… it doesn’t annoyed me at all… “I was alone, falling free, trying my best not to forget”... but, to be honest, there was a time when I prayed to forget… forget the pain, the discrimination, the indifference.

That’s how, without even noticing, 2009 acquired a truly importance for me. I didn’t imagine at that time that 2009 will become a year that I will remember for the rest of my life. I met a lot of beautiful people… people who I consider the most caring and the most authentic on Earth. I learned what a real friendship is. I fell in love… yes… I loved again… even when it got wrong at the end… the important thing, I guess, is that I tried.

2009 will be a year to remember… It gifted me the most amazing experiences in life! It suddenly brought me from death and showed me that I actually have a beautiful painting in front of me called life. 2009 showed me that I needed to live for real, faithful to my beliefs no matter what.

2009 will be a year to remember because it pointed me that I certainly can make my own dreams come true whenever I want. It was the year that brought me the biggest excitement since… since I remember to be honest… the one I had been dreaming about for so long: Placebo.

I finally knew my favorite band on Earth on 2009... Isn’t that fucking amazing?

I was finally able to see him, the man who has been ruling my dreams -eyes opened or closed- since I was a teeny… I finally meet my idol, my love, my everything: Mr. Brian Molko.

I know it sounds completely out of line… completely crazy coming from an grown woman like me but, you know? I do not care if some people think that is silly, I really couldn’t care less… I finally learned that I must accept myself as the unique persona I am -weirdo or not… freak or not-, I’m finally achieving my most beloved dreams.


Placebo teaches me, every single day, that I must love the way I am, with all my flaws, my weakness… even when my almost bipolar behavior.

2009 was the year that let me knew a bunch of charismatic people. I suddenly wasn’t alone anymore! After the all lack of trust in my dairy relationships -love or friendship without distinction-, I was finally able to trust and to entirely give myself to this beautiful people, without any regrets! That… that is priceless.

2009 will be a year to remember cause to same, I have inked in my heart all those beautiful memories from El Palacio de los Deportes. All the excitement, the anxiety, the tiredness, but also the amazing friends I made that unforgettable day.

2009 left inked in heart and soul all those amazing memories from Europe, the tears, the laughs, even the angry and also the uncertain moments. This year showed me that distance is certainly not a barrier for friendship.

2009 gave me the most precious moments I have been able to experience since I was a child… 2009 gave me the chance to freely enjoy every single moment I’m breathing.


So, today, I feel a little bit sad because I have to say goodbye to this wonderful and meaningful year… I can’t avoid the nostalgia… 2009 was, without a doubt, a magnificent year for me and the best of all, I think, is that I didn’t even image that it could turn into this amazing year... Damn! I don’t want to let 2009 go.

2009 WILL BE A YEAR TO REMEMBER FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

After all these 365 days, even when the nostalgia is eating me up, I feel hopeful and willing and, I know, I already know that 2010 will be even better.

Thanks to every one of you for helping me to come back from the ashes… Now I’m sure that there’s a special place for me to be… I finally belong to somewhere.

I’LL BE ENDLESSLY IN DEBT WITH 2009

Peace & Love,

A moment, a love
A dream, a laugh
A kiss, a cry
Our rights, our wrongs (won't stop til it's over)

A moment, a love
A dream, a laugh
A kiss, a cry
Our rights, our wrongs (won't stop til it's over)

A moment, a love
A dream, a laugh
A kiss, a cry
Our rights, our wrongs (won't stop til it's over)

A moment, a love
A dream, a laugh
A moment, a love
A moment, a love (won't stop to surrender)

500 Days Of Summer

Look, we don't have to put a label on it.
That's fine. I get it.
But, you know, I just...
I need some consistency.

A great friend recommended me this film and I ended in love with it... Sadly truthful... Hurtfully accurate... "500 Days Of Summer"... Sort of a revelation itself!

There's not such thing as "true" love...

I think you tend to end "in love" with the "good" moments, those that make you glow inside, but when those "good" moments turn into the ones that hurt you the most, they only take away every single spark inside of you... or, to be more accurate, somehow you decide to let you down and let the circumstances take away from you all the things you build inside of yourself...

So, yes, there's not such thing as "true" love... but surely, there are plenty moments, seconds maybe, that may allow you to make some "good" or "bad" choices in life.

The point is that YOU have the ultimate choice... The decision will always lay in your hands, not in the others.

Damn! This film made me realize so many things about what we're used to call "love-relationships"... And, you know, at the end we can't force ANYONE to do ANYTHING they don't want to. We can't force a moment, a second in our memory. We just can't make destiny turns to our favor...

There's not such thing as "true" love... But there are plenty silly things we can share with "alike" people: smiles, laughs, silly love films, hobbies, deep thoughts, good music, sex, kisses, hugs, books, ideas, tears... Plenty!

But ... they're just that... silly things... seconds... maybe minutes... but never an eternity themselves...

Summer: So are you ok?
Tom: I will be, eventually...
Summer: I like your suit...
Tom: Ah, thanks.
Summer: You look sharp
Tom: So do you
Summer: Thanks
Tom: I quit the office
Summer: You did? I didn't know. That's great!
Tom: And you, um... You're married...
Summer: Yeah, it's crazy, huh?
Tom: You should've told me... when we were at the...
Summer: I know...
Tom: You know, at the wedding, when we were dancing...
Summer: Well, he hadn't ask me yet.
Tom: But he was in your life.
Summer: Yeah...
Tom: So why'd you dance with me?
Summer: 'Cause I wanted to!
Tom: You just do what you want, don't you?... You never wanted to be anybody's girlfriend, and now you are somebody's wife.
Summer: Surprised me too.
Tom: I don't think I'll ever understand that... I mean, it doesn't make sense.
Summer: It just happened.
Tom: Right, but that's what I don't understand... What just happened?
Summer: I just... I just woke up one day, and I knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

I'VE BEEN WASTING ALL MY TIME WITH THE DEVIL IN THE DETAILS

I've been wasting all my time
With the devil in the details
I got no energy to fight

I'm so fucking tired of being trying without, at least, a sign of interest. It is always about excuses... stupid excuses... and the only tangible result, the one that hurts the most, is that I feel just like at the beginning... completely alone, totally lost.

Last Sunday I said myself "Come on Barbs, you can try! You can do your best to recover your lost soul and show it to the all world... You can try!" and today, I feel stupid because that silly thought... I feel that no matter how much I try, how much effort I put to solve certain issues, I always obtain the same old same result: NOTHING.

I thought I was fighting for a good cause, for a worthy one, but it seems that, like always, I was wrong... I thought that maybe, just maybe, "he" could be right, you know? that maybe I was so into my own personal world that I was restricting myself for really enjoy life and most of all, enjoy my reality, whatever it was...

Well... I thought, for a second, that I was wrong... that maybe I was in denial... but again... after a week of trying... after 7 days of moderating my behavior... after all this time, I still remain the same... lonely and empty... plus the fact that I was trying to change something very personal, something called soul, that is irreplaceable... I was trying to commit suicide somehow, denying the real "me".

It seems I'm condemned to be a broken soul... without any possible solution... any cure... Maybe I've to start to find resignation... to accept who I am and where I go... alone... like always... because that's the way I came to this world and that's definitely the way I will walk since now and until the day of my death.

"I've been wasting all my time with the devil in the details... Looks like the devil's here to stay"

I'm so fucking tired of fighting for nothing... I'm sick of myself, because I knew the consequences since the very beginning... And here I am, suffering for something that I could avoid but that I decided to take... Well... I really don't see the fucking point in trying anymore...

LoVe,
Barbs

GOMIX, PLACEBO AND DAYBREAKERS MOVIE - REMIX 'RUNNING UP THAT HILL'

Placebo's epic cover of 'Running Up That Hill' is now available to remix with GoMix, in support of the forthcoming film 'Daybreakers', out Jan 6th UK, Jan 8th USA.

So here is my first mix for the competition (a little bit safe to be honest, but I'm just starting!):

Hope you enjoy it!
Feel free to leave o your comments!

Love,
Bárbara

STUPID IN LOVE

Stupid in love
Oh
Stupid in love

Let me tell you something
Never have I ever
Been a size 10
In my whole life
I left the engine running
I just came to see
What you would do if I
Gave you a chance
To make things right

So I made it
Even though Katy
Told me this would be nothing
But a waste of time
And she was right

Don't understand it
Blood on your hands
And still you insist
On repeatedly trying
To tell me lies
And I just don't know why

This is stupid
I'm not stupid
Don't talk to me
Like I'm stupid
I still love you
But I just cant do this
I may be dumb but
I'm not stupid

My new nickname
Is you idiot
(Such an idiot)
That's what my friends
Are calling me when
They see me yelling
Into my
Phone

They tell me let go
He is not the one
I thought I saw your potential
Guess that's what made me dumb
He don't want it
Not like you want it
Scheming and cheating
Oh girl, why do you
Waste your time
You know he ain't right

Telling me this
I don't wanna listen
But you insist
On repeatedly trying
To tell me lies
And I just don't know why

This is stupid
I'm not stupid
Don't talk to me
Like I'm stupid
I still love you
But I just cant do this
I may be dumb but
I'm not stupid

Trying to make this work
But you act like a jerk
Silly of me to keep
Holding on
But the dunce cap is off
You don't know what you lost
And you wont realize
Till I'm gone, gone, gone
That I was the one
Which one of us
Is really done

Ooh
No
No
No
I'm not stupid in love

This is stupid
I'm not stupid
Don't talk to me
Like I'm stupid
I still love you
But I just cant do this
I may be dumb but
I'm not stupid

I may be dumb but
I'm not stupid
In love

WHY... WHY?

And you can see my heart beating
You can see it through my chest
And I’m terrified but I’m not leaving
Know that I must must pass this test
So just pull the trigger

I don't know why to think anymore... It seems that I don't recognize myself anymore... Am I suffering for something worthy? Am I suffering for real?

The thing is that it has been a long time since I cried like how I'm doing now... Wondering so many possibilities... Asking myself so fucking many questions... Doubting about everything... Suffering every single doubt... Depressed... Agnostic, Absent...

What the hell happened that everything changed 180°?

What the hell happened that seems I am not useful anymore?

Why "God" or "Karma" is beating me so hard?

I can't remember the line I crossed... I can't remember when, where, why... I can't remember the instant when I leave my selfsteem behind me, buried 6 feet under...

Why you cannot understand me? Why you cannot see that I was just afraid to fall in love with you? Why you can make an effort...?

Are you enjoying this? Are you? Is that you don't remember what is suffering like this? Is that you don't remember you told me you´ll never hurt me? Why are you doing this to me? Why the lies? Why the hiding? Is that I don't deserve a little respect?

Why I can't respect myself enough to stop you... to stop this silly behavior?

I've made so many mistakes during our "relationship" but so you too... Why then? Is that you aren't in love anymore? Were you in love with me in some moment or it was just a game?

Why did you take me outside to my bubble? I was happy, you know? It doesn't matter if other people used to think otherwise... I was happy! I felt recovered from my past, from my bad and nasty past choices... my actions... my decisions... Why then? Why?

And now you're behaving like I didn't deserve at least one chance to be heard...

Why the fuck am I doing with myself?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR. MOLKO!!!

December 10th, 2009

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET BRIAN!!!
YOU KEEP TURNING MY LIFE INTO A BETTER ONE SINCE 1998!
WISH YOU NOTHING BUT THE BEST IN THIS WORLD!
LOVE,
BARBS

Placebo Southamerica's Gift!

I KNEW...

Sábado 05 de Diciembre de 2009

I never thought I could feel like this… again…

I feel empty… in the middle of nowhere… or… to be more accurate… in the middle of pure and genuine shit…

I’ve been crying since an hour now… And I just can’t find the end.

I don’t know what is more painful, the disappointment on me or in third parties… but I’m afraid that the first one is the winner.

I don’t know why I tried… I’ve always known that I’m “different”… a little bit “weirdo”… and, time ago, I decided to lock myself into my own surreal world in order to avoid criticism and unnecessary crap… and what happened?

As always, I took the wrong choice… the wrong decision… the wrong path…

And here I am… asking myself if I had enough value like to, per example, be loved…

And here I am… having second thoughts about my inner capabilities… about my heart… about my passion…

Am I worth it?
Enough?
To anyone?

It seems like is always gonna be about the package but not about what’s inside… I understand now that, sadly, I cannot be taken seriously… not 100% at least… ‘cause what I can offer, is not enough…

And this song... their song... it has never sounded so damn loud inside... it has never hurt so damn deep...

THE DEVIL IS IN THE DETAILS

Viernes 20 de Noviembre de 2009

I feel quite desperate today… I don’t know how to react… what to do… I just feel the need of throw myself of a bridge and finish with this anxiety.

I haven’t found a damn piece of space for my own since I came back from Europe… I haven’t enjoy my loneliness as I’m suppose to… and I need it, I pray for it, I beg for it.

I feel the need to cry, to scream, to hit everything placed around me… and I can’t… I can’t even find a piece of peace at home. I can’t be myself; I can’t stop pretending, because I still have to show this mask of the shiny girl, the successful one, the “satisfied” one.

I cannot be here… I don’t want to… I came from a beautiful experience and I still cannot find tranquility.

And when I need to talk, when I need to speak out my mind… the all world seem to conspire against me… leaving me isolated… leaving me alone… as the loner I am.

I hear people and I just wanna run away… I want to smash things, to destroy the loved ones… to harm people… and myself, why not? There isn’t a reason for not do that.

Right now… listening to “Devil in the Details”, I hate my inner thoughts so much… I hate the way my very own personal devil is killing me, slowly, painfully… And I can’t avoid remembering the quote that, today, makes so many sense for me: “… I don’t see the point in trying”.

Why it has to be like this? Why so dark, so lonely? I cannot stop cryin’ … I cannot… and I don’t have the will for.

Looks like the devil’s here to stay…

IT'S ALL ABOUT SATISFACTION!

Martes 17 de Noviembre de 2009

As you may remember, Placebo came back to Mexico last September 30th and gave us a show at El Palacio de los Deportes, that all of us -their devoted fans and also those who wasn't so into their music until that night- will remember FOREVER.

In this regard, it's a pleasure for me to share this fantastic review from Kerrang! Magazine about such amazing gig.

I fell in love with several quotes, but mostly with the following:

"Brian Molko, in a state of, er, Mex-tacy"

"They scream like banshees on the cusp of orgasm"
(talking about Placebo's fans)

"But with ages comes depth"

And the one I loved the most because I've always believed in the statement you're about to read:

"They can, to pick just two examples, be melancholic contemplation (Follow The Cops Back Home) and hook-laden anthems (Special K) AS THEY DELIVER MOODS AND STORIES, NOT JUST SONGS. And is in this that bands make the step from good to GREAT".

You can read the review in HQ here:
http://www.placeboworld.co.uk/press.php

JUST FOR TODAY, BREATHE ME, AND SAY YOUR LAST GOODBYE

Lunes 16 de Noviembre de 2009

What happens when you put all your hopes into the “wrong” someone -friend or foe-?

What happens when you really want to try, making a big effort and the other one doesn’t seem to care?

What happens when your self-esteem has been compromised in the middle of the ride?

A few months ago, right before getting’ my 30s, I was so into myself and my inner world, into my own pity depression and “non-worthy” life, that I felt -and I regret that- that I didn’t have anything more interesting or valuable to fight for. I’m not saying that I was thinking about suicide or something that drastic, I’m talking about to let the hope disappear… to let it die.

Despite that sentiment, I kept hanging on in the only thing that has never let me down -even when it sounds a little bit lame-, that is, my passion for the music, my passion for Placebo’s music.

Thanks to that passion I commenced a “surreal” life… a life that I was enjoying but, at the same time, was making me sad because I was plenty aware that it was like a “dream”. Suddenly I was surrounding by all these amazing people with, not only the same taste in music, but also the same taste in LIFE. Suddenly I felt that I belong to someone… to somewhere… to that world.

So, I worked on my fears and I could say I won some battles. It wasn’t easy, cause in the other hand, in the “real” life there were all these people making fun of me because my “stupid” passion -they used to say-, and as I am a little bit apprehensive and emotional, the all battle was bittersweet and uncertain... Some days I felt good but others I just felt that I was fighting for a lost cause. At the end, I decided to stay faithful to what I am and what I can offer, you know?

“This is me and this is what you’re gonna get”

So, the rewards commenced to appear and I felt completely -or almost completely- satisfied with the way I was driving myself. I started to make plans for a trip to Europe and as the most of you already know, it came true, my dream came true, my “surreal” life, my “dream world” came tangible, and yes, today I can say, very proudly, that all the results, all the satisfactions, all the consequences, are thanks that I kept stick to my beliefs, to my passion, to my instinct.

But, it’s necessary to reconcile that in such process, there were so much people passing by… Some of them are still here, with me, in heart and soul, and other, just passed by for a reason, a special reason that I still cannot understand, but I want to think that there was a “special” purpose in their way. Even when I recognize that and I kinda accept such designs, I have to say that it hurts, ‘cause when you create so much expectations about something or someone and, at the end, it doesn’t seem what you thought… Man! That’s really hard to fight with.

I’m not a “bubbly” person; I’m more like a “loner”. I learned to live like that because the lack of understanding about what I was passing through - and I say this without the intention of being an “emo” here-. It was, simply, that I couldn’t find the right path for a while and, somehow, I lost the hope in me… I abandoned the high expectations about life. But, as a part of this all “sudden change” and against my intuition, I decided to fight… I decided to stop the “loner” behavior. I decided to believe in second chances and, one day, there I was… I wasn’t lonely anymore; but it was a dream, a nice one at the beginning but, certainly, and unstable one… The fall was unavoidable… Maybe because of me, maybe not… Maybe be I was so scared that I never let myself to “really” enjoy the moment… But, even when this will sound like an excuse, if I feel threatened, I tend to hide myself into my shell and go backwards… So, in this case, if I feel that my very own personality is being criticized, mostly because my beliefs, my beloved passion and my devotion, I will fight, doesn’t matter against who, I will defend that passion over my death body, because at the end, I haven’t found another better one that could offer me the satisfactions that “their music, their lyrics, their way of thinking” have given to me.

So, I think I’m a little bit weird after all… I’m complicated and I live with that… Why couldn’t you? The essence is -and always will be- to fight for what you want, for what you’re interested in. If you don’t show enough interest, then you aren’t gonna be able to make me leave my “dream world” and run after you. If you aren’t able to make a valuable effort, why I should even try the same? Because of the past? Because of our inner fears? I can respect those, but what I certainly cannot respect is someone that doesn’t even want to try… someone that seems to see the experience more like a highly painful risk than a rewarding gain… someone that doesn’t trust in him/herself… It’s not that I’m perfect… of course not! I have tons of flaws; I’m working of them… every single day I have to fight with my deepest fears and my changeable behavior… but a few month ago I decided to fight and I keep stick to that choice… So, I guess if I feel that something/someone is putting in risk the few stability I’ve been able to get, I’m gonna take that far from me… and my question… my endless question is:

Do I have to feel bad about it?

Peace,

*Specially dedicated to my beloved PFWW family. Thanks for being such an enormous part -virtual or not- of my life.

UNFORGETTABLE EXPERIENCE!

Le Zénith Paris, France (October 24th and 25th)
Post by Molko's Princess on 12 Nov 2009, 16:25

So, here I am. I know I promised a detailed review for Placebo’s gigs in Paris and I know I’m a little bit late… My apologies! I’m gonna try to make of this review a nice one.

So, it’s important to introduce this review noticing you that this trip, “The Trip”, has been the most rewarding experience since I remember! Why? You’re about to find out why honeys!

Everything started about 6 months ago when I received an e-mail from my lovely friend Tania. She told me: -You have to go to Paris because Placebo is gonna play in such beautiful city on October 2009.

We both remembered the well known Placebo’s gig in Paris, the one for “Soulmates: Live in Paris 2003” and I went totally mad. I have to be there (I thought).

So Tania was really really persistent with the idea and I finally took the decision: -I will attend the concert no matter what. At the same time, I talked with my lovely friend Irene and I told her about the trip, ‘cause we were planning to meet each other since long time ago that this seemed to be the perfect occasion. She went crazy when I told her that I’m actually arranging my trip to Europe and then, the three of us, commenced to plan the all adventure, the adventure of our lives.

As you may noticed, Tan, Irene and I are friends since a few months now, but we only know each other by Facebook, MSN and PFWW Forum. We spent long time talking and planning and tryin’ to arrange all in time (pretty early, we knew, but we needed to be sure about every single detail of our trip).

Months and months of anticipation… Mixed feelings, worries and so… As I’m a pretty apprehensive person, you can imagine my emotional status during all this months. I was pretty excited yes, but also pretty anxious, so damn anxious!

We finally bought tickets for 2 Placebo’s gigs: October 24th and October 25th. We were in HEAVEN! We couldn’t believe we were about to finally meet each other in “real life” and to see our beloved Placebo together!

OCTOBER 23RD, 2009: THE ARRIVAL

The time came and suddenly: October 23rd, the day I had to travel to Paris from Barcelona. The night before was a terrible one! I couldn’t sleep a thing because the anxiety, I was afraid of so many things (miss the flight, miss Tania and Irene at the airport, don’t get the front row at Placebo’s concerts, etc.). Very pessimist indeed, but I couldn’t help it!

So, I arrived to “El Prat” Airport still nervous and full of expectations!! I was there waiting for 2 hours and finally I got into the plain and started my trip to Paris, lovely Paris!! Irene was already at “Charles De Gaulle” Airport since 2 hours prior, poor baby, she spent the all day waiting for Tan and I ‘cause a change of her flight’s schedule… Tan, after a damn bad misunderstanding, arrived to the airport at the same time than me and I immediately proceed to message her and wait for her in order to stay together at the Terminal 2 of “Charles de Gaulle” Airport and don’t get lost.

But, we couldn’t help it! After a few hours lost, we finally found the Terminal 1 and thee she was!! Lovely Irene! We couldn’t believe we met Irene!! The three of us finally together!!! So excited!! So nervous!! So happy!!! We took the time to kiss and hug each other and then, in a rush, we went to the hotel, our beloved “One Star” hotel, “Hotel d’ Paris”.

After 45 minutes and 85 Euros, we made it… we finally arrived to the hotel and proceed to secure our room, save our luggage and right after that, we leave the place in order to visit Paris, take advantage of the few time we had prior next Placebo’s gigs.

So, the first place we visited, of course, was Le Zénith! Our home for the next two days! As soon as we arrived to the venue we went so damn excited! It was beautiful, just like the pictures! So we check the place imagining us queuing the next day… We took some pictures there and then, we went entirely for Paris!!! And hell we visited a lot of places in just 8 hours that day!!! We ended exhausted!!!

OCTOBER 24TH, 2009: RAIN, COLD AND EXPECTATIONS

We woke up at 6 am that morning, and, as Google said, it was raining! Damn luck! So we took a bath, got ready, carried the all room in our purses and left the place to go to McDonalds for a light breakfast (coffee, pancakes -double portion- and orange juice).

Once in McDonalds, approx at 9 am, we heard two girls talking, they were queuing since 6 am!! Shit!! Tania immediately became pessimist! –No way we’re gonna be able to get the first row! (She said).

So we almost run to the Zenith and as soon as we arrived we saw a few persons making the queue, but not as much as we imagined before, so we were OK, except for the damn rain!

As many of you saw in some of my pictures, we were queuing in a beautiful way, fashion indeed! I was wearing a beautiful raincoat that seemed more like a trash bag in my head! But, Ey! We needed to be glamorous but at the concert, not at the queue, right?

In the middle, I was tryin’ to call Sarah from my cell phone and my borther’s one. But the damn things didn’t work! And it was my fault (and age) that I couldn’t remember the instructions in her last e-mail, I was desperate and I couldn’t see her around! Suddenly, I hear a voice calling me: -Barbs! It was Luzie!!! Lovely Luzie!!! I was so damn excited because I couldn’t believe I met another member of my beloved PFWW family! The dream started to come true! I explained to her the situation, exchanged phone numbers and she said goodbye because she needed help Sarah with the street teaming tasks… I was sad because I was unable to make it.

So time passed really slowly… S-L-O-W-L-Y!!! When the time to enter to the venue was closer, we went for a last time to the hotel (that was near to the venue -and when I say near it means like 10 minutes walk, so, not so close- to go to the bathroom, leave the damn “raincoatalmostplastictrashbag” and check our make up and hair for the gigs. What a divas!

We returned to the venue and we started to see a lot of movement from Le Zénith’s staff, the security guys and other people there. They were about to open the gates, checking the gates first when, our assigned patrol tried to open our gate and it was stuck!!!! HOLY SHIT!!! The all queue went CRAZY!!! Almost crying, seriously!!! We beg to the guys not to open the other gates until ours were properly fixed and they did that, thanks God! It was so nice of them and also pretty fair, right?

After a few minutes the gates were open and they started to check tickets and purses… Damn it! Check the purses took an eternity to our assigned security girl! Damn it!! And then, we raaaaannnnnnn!!!! Tania got lost in the middle but she found the right way, we continued together and then we saw Tan’s sister at the front row screaming: -Barbs!! Tan!!! Here!!! So we ran even faster and we both almost crashed to the fence but there we were, our dream came true! After a few minutes Irene and Marii arrived as well so everything was great at that time!!

We got so excited when they showed their newest films. The first of them: an introductory film made my Brian and Steve. Damn it! I couldn’t believe I was about to see my beloved band and my beautiful Brian Molko one more time, front row, so close, so damn close!! I was almost fainting!!

The time was nice ‘cause we were talking with the patrol guys, very nice guys (contrary to Mexico’s ones), and suddenly the lights went off and United -one of Placebo’s support bands- commenced to play! I loved United! They have such a special sound! I loved the look of the all members, the flowers on the chest and “Jack Sparrow II” (the frontman), so hot, those pants suited him so damn good!

Then, Expatriate -another Placebo’s support band for the Winter Tour-! They are pure dynamite! I completely fell in love with them and their musical proposal! I danced -because I had space to dance, yes!- and I went so damn excited with these guys! Excellent choice of our beloved Placebo, really!

Then, we had to wait a little bit more. The staff guys had to prepare the stage for Placebo and that took a while! We saw “Moby” and we waved our hands saying hi! And then, suddenly, we saw Steve behind the curtains! OMG! We went crazy again!!! -It’s Steve!!! It’s Steve!!! (Tania screamed).

After that, we saw a little child behind the equipment… beautiful curls… we screamed but also we tried to be calm because it wasn’t our intention to alert the press or the people that may only wanna take photos of him and publish them later. After a while, he disappears in the dark.

The lights went off and we started to hear “Ahhhh… Ahhhh…. Ahhhh” singing part… like in Placebo’s documentary. A sun was slowly being reflected on the big white curtain in front of us. The adrenaline was so high by that time! The sun continued glowing (red and white, white and red) for another few minutes and then, the curtain fell down and “For What It’s Worth” commenced!

I can remember myself screaming like a crazy, looking for the guys on the stage and of course, looking for Brian. I also remember Tan asked me for him too… And then, there he was, so incredibly beautiful, like a God!

We turned our eyes to Stefan who looked like the Eiffel Tower itself! GORGEOUS!!! I have no words to describe how amazed I was with him! So tall, so thin, so classy!! So damn gorgeous!! A modern architecture indeed!!

Then I saw Nick… Oh Nick!! I’ve always liked this guy! His performances are pure sex! I love, and I mean, absolutely adore the way he plays his guitar, his moves, his passion… You really can see how much he enjoys being on stage, playing, doing the best he knows!

Steve, God! I adore how cute he looks no matter what! Always playing with such power! I really enjoy the way he plays the drums (even when I still miss Mr. Hewitt).

Fiona, so damn gorgeous! A queen! Seriously! The woman has all the presence on stage! I love the way she looks and when she plays the violin… Heaven is near.

Bill, always there, since I remember! Great musician without a doubt!

Great song, amazing tunes! I danced like if it was my “Sweet Sixteen”! I was completely ecstatic!

“Ashtray Heart” began… “Cenicero, cenicero… Mi corazón de cenicero”. I use to “hate” that song because the Spanish chorus, but hey! I’ve learned to love it! The song, live, drives me crazy! So I was there, screaming my lungs out!! Fair, you know, because there was no way that could forget the damn Spanish chorus.

“Battle For The Sun” started… Gosh, I adore this one since the song was released for the first time. I can’t have enough of it! And I also have these mixed feelings about Brian’s interpretation, doing “pain” faces and so… Amazing song!

By that time I just remember the patrol guy -the one we called “Old Adam”- looking at us like if we were aliens or something because we were so into Mr. Molko’s interpretation that nothing, nothing else mattered in that moment. But what the hell, that was -and is- so true! When Brian’s on stage, there nothing else there that could make me shiver like he uses to cause on me!

Then, “Soulmates”… Amazing interpretation… I was ecstatic! I love that song so much! And I love when Brian changes the lyrics, mostly in the part that prays “Damn the government, damn the killing, damn the lies…” Now he sang the song just like that but he uses, as you know, to change the “damn” for the “fuck” (like he did in Mexico City) and the song turns more strong than usual… at least for me.

“Speak In Tongues”. One of my favorites! I adore the atmosphere that the song creates for the crowd, the sentiment that Molko puts in every single word and the part when the song seems to explode when Steve starts to sing the chorus “Ahaaaa!!!… Ahaaaaa!!!…”. I couldn’t help to let my tears roll over my cheeks, seriously… “Don’t let them have their way… You’re beautiful and so blasé, so please don’t let them have their way…” God, such a powerful and deep song!!

The melancholy was already there and then, the harmonies of “Follow The Cops Back Home” started to sound… I’ve never been a fan of this song but I entirely enjoy Molko’s interpretation of same. It seems to be such a meaningful song for him that I feel I have to be there, respecting that feeling, supporting him… I know it sounds crazy but is the way I felt at that moment… I was there, looking at him… letting such beautiful harmonies toured all over my body.

Then, the guitars! The crazy guitars!!! I already knew that they were about to play my first Placebo’s song, “Every You, Every Me” suddenly exploded!! I remember I turned my head to Tan and said -Let’s going crazy girl!! Which we did!!!! OMG!! I’m completely in love with that song! I love the music, the lyrics, the band playing the melody, Molko and Stef’s attitude, the little games between them while they play, and of course, the moments when Brian walks all over the stage, playing his guitar like God, so close and so far at the same time, so untouchable, so unreachable… It’s the perfect song for the sentiment he awakes on me!

*Multiple Orgasms*

“Breath Underwater”. A bomb!!!!!!!!!! Seriously!!!! A fucking awesome bomb on stage!!!! I love how Brian encourages the crowd to get crazy during this song! I love the fucking attitude during the all song! Like if we could say: -Yes, this is me, take it or leave it! Ahhhh!! Remembering the song, its intensity, makes me shudder!

Suddenly, we saw Molko taking his acoustic guitar and then Stef took seat at the piano and we immediately understood that they were about to play a love melody… They started to play “Because I Want You” (Angkor Wat version) and I went completely nostalgic, I started to cry again, my tears were rolling all over my cheeks and I couldn’t help it… again! As with FTCBH, I’ve never been a fan of BIWY, but this version… this version is so damn intense, so damn deep… it makes you FEEL and, as a result, it makes you a LIVING human being. Yes! I felt alive, so alive!! I was experiencing the best night of my life since I remember… I was feeling a rush of adrenaline through my body… I was ALIVE for that few minutes the song lasted.

To continue in the same line, trembling in the most pure sentiment, they commenced to play “Twenty Years” (Ankgor Wat Version). Gosh! I don’t have enough words (and neither an extensive English vocabulary) to explain what I experienced -and experience even today- with that song. I always wanted to hear it live… I use to search live videos for that song… because the sentiment it arises in me… because the peace I feel every time I listen to it… A superb interpretation of said song!!

“You need to concentrate on more that meets the eye…” Gosh! What a quote!!! (I’m really starting to believe that this could be my next tattoo). I remained silent, eyes closed, letting my demons out, praying for them to leave my body, my mind, my soul… I felt protected, over warmed…

After the all melancholy, “Julien”!!! OMG!!! I was so excited because it’s one of my favorites from "BFTS" and they didn’t play it in Mexico City’s gig, so, I went crazy also with this one, it has a special effect on me, very similar to the effect that “The Bitter End” arises in me. I love to drive with these two songs!! I feel free and, somehow, invincible.

*Multiple Orgasms*

Then, we continued with the Buddhist song, “The Never Ending Why”. Another one to dance and enjoy Placebo’s madness!!! I love the part that prays: “… the tumor become malignant, but the kids are doing fine…”

After that, I almost fainted when the harmonies for “Blind” started; it wasn’t a surprise for me that they played this song because a friend told me that it was played in Dijon, so I was expecting it with all my heart! I must recognize that “Blind” is one the most amazing songs I’ve ever heard. One of the most deepest and meaningful in my life… and the way Brian shows all his sentiment in that song… Wow!!!! I don’t have words… words aren’t enough to describe my inner thoughts and feelings about the song. I’m so glad they decided to include this song in the setlist again!

*Multiple Orgasms*

Then, a very funny episode… As you know, Brian use to change his guitar every song, so right away “Blind” ended, Brian went to Brandon in order to do the exchange. In the meanwhile, we could hear the harmonies for “Devil In The Details” and, suddenly, Stevie, eyes closed, started to play the drums, we assumed he was thinking that Brian was almost ready, but he wasn’t, so Brian commenced to wave his arms to Steve as a sign to stop the music, every member of the band was looking at Steve and tryin’ to make him react and stop the music but nothing, so, right in the part where Brian is supposed to start playing his guitar, Steve was irremediably aware that Brian wasn’t ready at all, he opened his beautiful -and confused eyes- looking for Brian, who was stared right in front on him, arms crossed, waiting for him to react! We laughed so loud, but Stevie continued playing like the professional he is and managed to re-start the harmonies for Brian. Brian, after a laugh, started to play the amazing song that “Devil In The Details” is indeed.

“Meds”, I love this song! Well I love any and all Placebo’s songs but "Meds" is dark and I love it! I think that’s why I love the all album, because its darkness… Yes, I must recognize I adore “dark” Placebo. I miss the part that says “And the sex, and the drugs and the complications”. This time Brian didn’t sing that part.

And the way he sings first slowly, quiet… and then, suddenly, the song grows!! Aw!!! I felt butterflies in my stomach!!!

“Song To Say Goodbye” started and I couldn’t help say what all I think about it… I told Tan, next to me, that this song always has reminded me Steve Hewitt. And I feel quite sad every time I listen to the song. I don’t know why I use to relate it so much with Steve Hewitt’s break up and departure.

And the new and very very expected song for a concert (at least, that’s what we think here in Mexico), “Bright Lights”!!! It’s such an amazing song live! I love the chorus “bright lights and/in black holes”, even when I say it’s a little bit “Muse-ish” (I know, I know “black holes” is not a quote property of Muse, but I can’t help it reminds me so much to them). Ahh!! And I fell in love with the lights all over the stage!!! Bright lights indeed!!!

“Special K” always gonna be a classic and, most of all, a MUST in Placebo’s gigs! I enjoy every single version of this song! “Parapapapa… pararara!!!”

“The Bitter End” Another orgasmic song!!!! Another MUST in a Placebo’s gig!!! I’m absolutely in love with this song since the first time I listened to it!!! So powerful!!! I danced and became crazy again!!! It’s a shame they have eliminate the part that Brian used to sing at the end… Gosh, it made me cum when I listened to it!

I also have to say that I’m completely in love with Nick’s moves during this song! For Christ’s sake! Placebo suits every person that plays in the band! Seriously!! Sexy Nick!!! I’m still drooling like a baby!!!

*Multiple Orgasms*

*Cigarette*

*Multiple Orgasms*

Something unexpected, at least for me, a new song… such an amazing one… I’m really in love with it! “Trigger Happy”. The chorus… Wow!!! Powerful!!! (even when at the beginning I couldn’t understand a thing but “… give a fuck”).

Then, “Infra-Red” Aw!!! The fact that they play the most amazing and powerful song at the end is pretty damn smart, as Luzie said before. They save these songs to masterly close their concerts. The power in the drums! Wow!! Damn it!!! I love love love the power that “Little Sunshine” puts in the melody!!!

A few minutes prior “Infra-Red” ended, we saw that the staff was moving certain kind of stairs or something on the ground, in front of the stage, some of them at the center of same and an others right in front of us. As I’ve seen before that Stef loves to come downstairs with the crowd, I thought that maybe that was the purpose. So, when the harmonies for “Taste In Men” commenced and Stef was missing on the stage, we immediately confirmed our suspicions. And, in a second, there he was, downstairs and in the middle of the stage, gorgeous, magical and almost surreal!!! The way he moves and dances with his bass!! Gosh!!! Take me in your big big arms Stef!!!

So, in that sense, we were waiting for Stef to come to our side but… but… then… like sent by Heaven, Brian commenced to walk right to us and he suddenly came down like two stairs or so and there he was!!!!!!!!!!!! MORE CLOSE THAT FUCKING EVER!!!! I was thinking -prior that such an amazing event happened- to take a picture, because it could be a great one, you know? Brian so close! But I got paralyzed!! Petrified!!! And all that I could think at that time -and do- was tryin’ to reach him, tryin’ to feel him!! I was about 2 cm of touching his guitar!! I was experiencing the most amazing orgasm in my life in that very moment!! I heard Tan screaming and tryin’ to reach him too, I screamed and almost cried!!! God!!! The all thing was quick now I’ve watched Irene’s video, but for me, at that moment, it felt like an eternity, the sweetest eternity ever!!!!

Suddenly, he was gone, and he ended on the floor on his knees, doing his thing with his guitar! Aw!!! I managed to take some pictures ‘cause I feel the need to capture the damn beautiful chest for the eternity! And I made it! Proud of me!

*Multiple Orgasms*

*Cigarette*

*Multiple Orgasms*

*Cigarette*

*Multiple Orgasms*

*Cigarette*

*Multiple Orgasms*

The concert ended that way and they leave the stage. After a few minutes they came on the stage again, to thank the crowd and right away, Steve came to our side and tried to give his stick to Tan, but the stick fell on the floor so I claimed to “Old Adam” -the patrol guy-. -Please! Please! The stick!! For my friend here!! And he was nice because he actually took it and gave it directly to Tan. Tan was ecstatic!!!! And I felt her emotion too!!! Tan got Steve’s stick!!! (God! That sounded naughty!!).

I couldn’t believe the concert was over! I was still in trance!! I wanted more!!!! But that wasn’t possible so we went to the exit and then, as I loved Expatriate so much, I went to the place where they were signing and I waited to talk a little bit with them… Funny moment ‘cause, as I was wearing my “uniform” that night, a t-shirt that says “I’m in love with Brian Molko”, one of them, Dave I think, told me: -So, you’re in love with Brian Molko, uh?! So do I! (He joked) And my face blushed like a tomato… like a thousand tomatoes!! And Dave and Damian laughed and then I stayed talking to Damian, what a sweet sweet boy!! I ask him for Expatriate to come to Mexico one day! Really, I would love to see them live here one day!!

I don’t know if this concerns to the all review, but after I got my signatures from Expatriate, I saw Alex, Placebo’s manager. Well, I have to say that the woman has always been such an enigma for me… I mean, we can see her in every single live video that we can find about Placebo but the thing is that when I watched those videos or the documentaries where she appeared, I had the feeling that she’s a pretty strong personality… well, that night at Le Zénith, I confirmed that!! I look at her, and when she look at me for an instant -‘cause she was taking care about Expatriate’s signing session too-, I had to look down… other side I mean… cause her glance was so damn strong! Damn! I still remember and it makes me shudder!

After leaving the venue, I found Luzie again and I hug her!! ^^ (Forgive me Luzie if I was like crazy but trust me, I was -and I still am- so damn happy ‘cause I finally met you!!)

She told me she couldn’t attend the next day’s gig but that she would attend the 27th one. So I said goodbye and went home with Tan and Irene, but first, we went directly to McDonalds (like the 50th time in the all day), bought a burger and a sunday and then, we went to our lovely “One Star” hotel.

NOTE: I don’t know why the hell we didn’t stay to hunt the guys outside the venue!!!!! What a silly girls!!! What a silly girls!!

OCTOBER 25TH, 2009: SUN, ANXIOUSNESS AND THE UNEXPECTED

Sunday… lazy day… but not for us of course… We had to be ready very early ‘cause that night we had our second Placebo’s gig at Le Zénith. So, the routine of the prior day started: woke up, took a bath, went to McDonalds, got seat outside the venue for at least 10 hours and waited.

The queue was better -but still tiring- because we hadn’t rain that day (Google was right!). So we took our places (the same than the prior day), near to the same girls than the prior day and waited and waited and waited. This time the concert was scheduled to start one prior than the Saturday’s one, so that made us happy.

So, there we were, seated on the floor, checking our pictures and videos for the day before.

- I can’t understand why the damn camera says that it has a 3x Digital Zoom and I can’t zoom a thing! (Tan said).
-Come on! You have to activate the function in the camera dear! (I said)
- No, it doesn’t have that function… or … it has that function? (Tania asked a little bit concerned).
- Let me see (I said taking Tan’s camera)… Look! Done! (testing the super zoom).
- Come on! Why we didn’t knew that yesterday! I took like a hundred pictures with the damn optical zoom but not the other one! (Tania claimed).
- So, I did the same (Irene suddenly confessed)

*Massive Laughs*

- Well, we’ll have another chance tonight honeys! (I said).

When the time came and the security guys commenced to appear at the gates, Tania and I went super nervous… almost hysterical. Irene was calm, smoking her last cigarette (after a thousand of them). This time we weren’t wearing a purse or something that could retain us at the gates. We were ready!

So, the gates were opened and the security guys started to check the tickets. Suddenly, our security guy stopped us!!!!!

- WTF!!! Why!!! Look man!! They‘re running and gonna take advantage!! Why did you stop us!!! (We asked him)
- Calm down girls! We have to wait a little… (He said)

After a few minutes (that for me seemed like a life time), he let us in so we ran and ran and ran and I don’t know if we had a really bad luck or what but that day, all the guys in the gates (‘cause there were so many gates prior to get to the ground), were asking for the damn ticket that their mates have already checked… So we were late again… Damn it!

I lost Tania… I ran as fast as I could and I managed, with Irene, to get to the front row more close to Brian’s place (at least than the day before), near to a very “nice” Italian girls that instantly commencing to fight us!! Then Tania came with us! We made it again but we didn’t knew, at that point, that the all wait inside Le Zénith will be a nightmare.

First we were in the middle of this Italian group of girls that was completely insane! Seriously! I don’t have anything against Italians, I have a very good and close Italian friends from this site and I love them, but come on! These girls made our wait a hell, they were pushing us all the time cause some of them get to the row late and didn’t take places with their other friends, so they were tryin’ to take us off the front row in a very rude manner and screaming and thinking that we weren’t understanding what they were sayin’ … Wrong!! We understood and obviously it wasn’t something nice so we stayed there, like a wall, tryin’ to be calm and not to fight.

The good thing during the wait inside the venue was that we were chatting a little with another of the Patrol guys, who was pretty nice -and pretty handsome, I must recognize- and helped us to take some pictures of ourselves, ‘cause we couldn’t do that as a result of the lack of space and risk to lose our place as a result of there girl’s fight.

Then, I felt something behind me, I turn my head to take a look and I saw a guy that was stand there, with a lot of space… so, I thought -Why is he pushing me with his… front hip??? (if you know what I mean)… I felt almost raped hahahaha!!! Well, his behavior continued during the all wait for the concert to start and I just could laugh and take the “pushing” with a “nice face”. We called the guy “The Rapist Guy” and took pictures of ourselves with funny faces about the all episode.

The time for the concert came and during United and Expatriate’s performances, we could see Steve and Nick near to the speakers laughing and enjoying the show with a little man, a very special and young individual.

So, after the support bands’ performances, Placebo’s staff approached in order to get ready the stage for them. They were running and testing the equipment one last time and then, the curtain. Almost time!!!! Excitement!!!

After the sun, the “Ahhh... Ahhh…” singing part and the lights, the curtain fell down and there they were playing “For What It’s Worth”. Again dancing like crazy, enjoying the show!! The Italian girls went mad with the song… Seriously, I thought that one of them was about to jump the fence to touch Brian, screaming and waving her painted arms for him to look at her. I don’t have a problem with people that try to get Brian’s attention but in a proper manner, not at cost of other people and pushing and beating them!

So, in the middle of the excitement we (the all front row and the second also) were tryin’ to take at least one picture of the beginning of the show… Call me crazy but I can sweat that I saw Brian looking at us, at leas to our side, with this special look he has when he’s upset or something, so I saved my camera and continued dancing.

I’m not gonna lie, we wanted to take some pictures of him, of course, but we were even more subtle than the day before, ‘because Brian seemed to be so upset since he got the stage and … maybe prior (EDITED TEXT). We already know how Brian could behave about the filming and the pictures in their concerts, so I keep at the line, just taking one picture and zero filming that day.

Suddenly, I think it was in the middle of “Battle Of The Sun”, I saw Brian making some gestures to the Patrol guys and pointed us! -Fuck!!!! (I said). Then these 2 guys from the Patrol approached us and showed us a piece of paper with a French text that said something like “Please don’t disturb the band filming with your cameras”.

We weren’t filming but anyways, we didn’t want Brian gets upset and say something like the prior concert in Strasbourg so, we save the cameras, this time for good. I mean, we were OK because we already have some pictures from the day before, so it wasn’t a problem for us at all and continued dancing and singing happily.

I can’t remember the song, maybe it was “Soulmates”, I’m not so sure, when Brian walked and stand right in front of us again, playing his guitar with his amazing moves and his beautiful sweated chest! So, I was literally in HEAVEN! We sent a kiss to Brian and scream -not so loud- “What a beautiful chest!” and suddenly, he look directly at us, and made this face, a face showing contempt… I believe… and turn on the head to other side and went away… I may be over reacting but I swear that, Brian’s gesture killed me at that instant… Seriously!!! I got mad and sad at the same time!! And as silly as it sounds, since that moment I couldn’t enjoy the damn concert at its most.

I know, I know! I’m such a silly person!! And trust me, I understand Brian’s point about the pictures and the filming thing in the concerts, but I still think that is valid for us, their fans, to want a picture of our idols, cause there a way to remember the moment! I mean, I support Brian when he says that you can’t be at a concert looking through a tiny screen taking pictures and videos during the all concert, of course not! But there’s no crime If we take just a few.

Anyways… The fact is that I felt like crap… It was like he hit me with just one look and left me there … lying on the floor… Such a Drama Queen I am, I know, but I couldn’t help feeling that way.

So, I’m not going to relate each song this time, because I even can’t remember the all gig, but another sarcastic comment Brian’s to someone in the crowd. As far as I remember, someone was screaming “Brian, Brian” tryin’ to get his attention, and also said “I love you Brian”, and then, Brian just answered -in French- something like: “Congratulations, you know my name” and I was like “Enough Brian!!! Please don’t be bitchy!!”

But, as I said before, I may be over reacting because I took Brian’s gesture very personal. But I’m still sad about the all incident.

So, the concert was great, I’m not gonna lie! Despite my sadness and anger and mixed feelings, I tried to enjoy the gig ‘cause damn it! It’s not just about Brian Molko but mainly about the all band, so I was waving my arms to say hi to Fiona and Steve and Nick! When Stef came to us at one point I also did the same and he answered with this sexy gesture! So it was a great gig in deed!

Right at the end, when the band went outside to thank the crowd, I barely saw Steve jumping over the crowd! Everyone got mad!! OMG!! Screams and more screams! Excitement! Waves!!! And Brian and Stefan laughing so hard on stage cause Stevie’s idea! So, after a while (and after a few scratches and bruises in his beautiful body), Steve managed to get out of the ground and to escape of the crazy crowd. He was laughing too! With this beautiful smile he has! Aw!! I remember Tania telling me: -Come on!!! Why he couldn’t jump over here!!!!!!! First Brian and then Steve!!! Come on!!!

Yeah… That was our luck in Paris…

So when the band left the stage and the lights were turned on, I found Thomas, a friend and exchange some words about the concert, I was still so confused and yes, a little bit pissed off… I told you guys! I’m such a Drama Queen!

Then, this time the three of us, went to Expatriate’s place to ask for his signatures and just like the day before, they were a sweethearts!!! And when Damian saw me (oh! My sweet Damian), he told me: -Hey! I remember you from yesterday! The girl that came from Mexico just to see Placebo and that is in love with Brian Molko, right?

I was so embarrassed that I barely managed to smile and answer: -Yes, it’s me but… don’t say that! I am not in love with Brian Molko anymore!

I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE I SAID SUCH THING LOUD!

Then, he smiled and said: -Oh well, that’s good, so, I really hope to visit Mexico someday! and I was just able to put my silly face, like the one of the little cute cat from Shrek and smile all blushed.

So we left the venue and went to take some pictures outside. That time, we were determinate to wait the guys and hunt them, so we started to inspect the venue’s surrounding areas and after a while we found the back door. A few people was already there waiting (between them the girls that made the queue near to us the two days). So, Tania, who is very fluent with French (thanks God!!) asked them where the guys were and I just could understand “Brian… (some French conversation)”.

So Tania proceeded to translate the conversations and told us that the girl said that Brian was already inside the tour bus, so, we missed him… once again… but, as I was still pissed off with him (I know it’s not his fault), I was cool with that… (yeah sure! ¬¬ ) so, we seated there to wait for the other guys.

We were so tired and boring of waiting without any sign of the guys that Irene commenced to smoke her all cigarette box and take some videos of the “crowd” there and Tan and I commenced to film a documentary about “The Hunting”. OMG!!! We were completely silly, seriously!! By then my I was done with my English vocabulary so I just could say “I know” and “I don’t know” hahahaha!!! Damn Tan! Why were you asking me so many questions!! Hahahaha!!

We were “talking” to Brian … ‘cause Brian was inside the bus, right? We were sure that we made him aware about our concern related to the filming thing in the concert!! God! Please! Forgive our behavior there!! I think that by then Tan and I’ve already lost our minds!!

Suddenly, we saw Stefan walking to the bus!! Oh yes!! Eiffel Tower!!! And after him were Fiona and Nick. We all waved our hands but they didn’t answer… After a while, Stevie came out of the venue and he waved his hands and said hi to us!! Everyone in there went crazy and commenced to scream “Steve, Steve!!”

After that, the buses commenced to leave the parking lot and got out of same, they were leaving the venue and then… the madness… I laughed so much! I had the time of my life there cause the screams and the excitement of everyone in there. I mean, we took picture of the bus as if it was the celebrity there! Can’t believe it!

There was also this little girl that kept running after the bus screaming “Steveeeeeeeee… Steveeeeeeeee!!!!!”, but, oh surprise!!! Steve wasn’t inside the bus! We look at the parking lot area and saw him talking with two girls, taking pictures and so… We went crazy again… ‘cause then, we were pretty sure that he were about to get outside to say hi! We had the hope!!!

After a few minutes… while some were taking pictures to “Mr. Jack Sparrow II” (the frontman of United), the gates were open and I could recognize Bill… OMG!!! I left the fence and went directly to the gate and I was amazed… there he was… “Little Sunshine” himself!!! I couldn’t believe it! I was there so close to him!!! Everyone was tryin’ to get a picture with him so it was pretty hard to actually get it! He was in a super good mood, chatting and signing and just being loved by his fans, us.

So, I preferred to wait a little for the picture and went to Bill and asked him, very shy: -Can I please take a picture with you? And he smiled and answered me -Sure! Come on! And he was super nice!!!

Then, I approached to Stevie (cause Bill was about to get him into the car that was waiting for them outside the venue), and told him: -Hi Steve! Nice to meet you!! I’m from Mexico! And he looked at me smiling and answered me: -Hi sweety, seriously? What are you doing here! We were playing in Mexico a month ago! … -I know, I was there, it was my first Placebo’s concert but I have to come to Paris to see you guys! (I said)… -That’s cool! So, want a picture? (he answered)… -Of course!!! (I almost scream with excitement), then I turned on my camera and said: -Look at the cam Steve!!

CLICK!!

-Thank you!! You’re a sweetheart!! (I said)
-You’re welcome darling! (He said smiling)

And that was all!

I ran directly to Tan and asked her if she was able to get a picture with him… What a silly question I made… hahahaha!! Of course she handled to get the damn picture and then we went after him one more time and took a picture of Irene and Steve together! Aw!! We couldn’t believe that, at the end, we met two members of our beloved band! Seriously! We were jumping like little kids!

After that, I remember Bill calling Steve and then, when they were about to leave the place, Tan asked Stevie something about the after party, and I swear that he was about to tell the name of the club but Bill grabbed him and got him into the car and left the place. Damn it!

So, after a few minutes, we saw “Mr. Jack Sparrow II” and we went to him to ask for a signature… OMG! He’s so cute in person!! His eyes!! Heaven!! So blue! So deep!! And he was super nice!!! We were chatting with him at least 15 minutes there, making jokes and so… and then we asked him for a picture and he was hilarious! He grabbed every one of us In a funny and tight manner for the pictures. As you can notice in mine, I was so damn blushed because he decided to kiss my head for the photo. Aw!! So nice! Really!!

After that, we went -again- to McDonalds for a desert and then to the room to enjoy our experience!!! We were so damn happy! Irene fall sleep first… she was really tired ‘cause the pushing with the Italian girls… Tan and I kept awake for at least 30 minutes more making jokes and such silly comments about the all day. What an experience!!!

OCTOBER 27TH, 2009: THE GOODBYE

As you remember, Placebo has a third date to play at Le Zénith, October 27th. We couldn’t make this date because we had to leave Paris that day, but prior to go to the airport, we decided to visit the venue for the last time.

We arrived there approximately at 4 pm. There it was the queue… So we said hi to some people we met for the prior queues and we went directly to the back gate of the venue, just to see if we could manage to see one the guys arriving to the venue.

So we took seat and waited. Then, the patrol guy with who were talking during the second concert, get outside the venue and started to chat with us… well, “chat with Tania” to be more accurate since he didn’t speak a lot of English. We understood that the guys weren’t there yet… -They’re gonna be here around 5 pm approx. (Patrol guy said to us), so although when we had to be at that time at the hotel in order to pick up our luggage and run to the airport to catch our respective flights, we decided to wait outside Le Zénith for the guys… like teenagers, right?

In the meanwhile I was hoping to see my friend Thomas for the last time, ‘cause we didn’t had the proper time to share the last days. So we agreed to meet each other at the McDonalds (Yes! Damn McDonalds! You must hate it know, right Tom?).

I was there, gettin’ pretty nervous ‘cause the band’s arrival to the venue and the damn flight to Athens because, at the last time -and when I say “the last” I mean 3 hours before the departure time-, Irene and I realized that we didn’t have the same flight!!! I went more that nervous, almost hysterical… Damn! I hate to be so apprehensive!!

Anyways, Irene and Tan calmed me down and we kept waiting for the guys… Patrol guy returned to chat a little bit more with us and say goodbye… After a while, approx. at 5:10 pm. we saw a black car with black windows running up the hill… -Are they inside the car? (Tan asked)… -I don’t know… maybe… (I answered). The car stopped at the venue’s back gate so the possibilities increased at that moment…. Nervous!!!

Then, the car got inside the parking lot area and the guys commenced to get out of it and get into the venue! Placebo arrived!!! So first Stefan, then Fiona and Nick, then Bill, after a short human being that didn’t seem to be Brian (we never knew) and then Steve. This time we were pretty “conservative”, we didn’t scream like crazy or something like that, we just waved our arms and say (loud, obviously) “Hi guys!!”. But, what a surprise!!! Any of them turned their heads to us and answered even an “Arggg”… No one except Stevie, who waved his arms backs and smiled big time!!

So we kept waiting there, a little bit more, and Steve went out to smoke a cigarette, this time he didn’t look outside… He was pretty concentrated in some kind of equipment that some guys were tryin’ to fix or something in the parking lot area. Then, he came in and never returned back.

It was time to say goodbye...

We decided to go to the hotel to find Thomas; we were running out of time for the airport so we needed to hurry up. We found Thomas in the middle of the way and we chatted a little bit while we’re walking to the hotel to pick up our “light” luggage and find a taxi. Tom! (Thank you so much for helping us with the luggage sweetheart!!).

It was late, pretty late and barely made it… I burst in tears when I had to say goodbye to my lovely friends. Irene and I still were together in Athens, such a beautiful city and yummy food, but that was the last time I saw Tan... Damn it!! Just remembering the all episode makes me cry again!!!

So, that’s the story about Paris and Placebo. It was pretty nice to meet so many people with the same taste in music (and in men, androgynous or not) and mostly to hang out with them a little bit, for real.

There’is no doubt that it was the most amazing experience I have ever had in my entire life, and honeys, be sure that even the wildest dreams, come true!

Peace & Love